Are we in a gay sports bar?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I love you. Go after that dick
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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