I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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