Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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