True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize