i don't plan on having that self control this summer
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
