I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
false alarm. still invincible.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
