So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
where are my eyebrows?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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