If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
