Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
