one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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