He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Terrible idea I love it
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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