for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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