Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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