You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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