I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
