we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
