you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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