RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
