I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
