So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
