I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You made out with two different species that night
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
