Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
