Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Someone shattered a urinal.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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