i just wanna soil my oats bro
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You don't make any sense
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