I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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