It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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