Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
