i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I would fuck him just for his dog
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize