WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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