i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she told me i tasted like america
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
