I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
