Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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