We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
