ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
