Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My vagina is officially offended.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
