Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
