i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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