you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Randomize
