It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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