I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
