i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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