I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
