Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
