five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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