Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
