I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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