Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Welp...herpes.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
