My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
