Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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