So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
