Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
