i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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