I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize