You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize