well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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