I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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