This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
