The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
