This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize