god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
