i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
