I am spending my child support on dildos
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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