You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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